Life

Mmmmk... I seem to be in a consistent "downer" these days. I'm trying to be "ok" with the space I am in.

I dropped off some paper/milk jugs at the recycle depot and there was a man there sifting through the containers, although, when I showed up, he stopped. Then he offered to help hold up the lid of a bin for me, and offered to come get things out of my car. I had these mixed feelings again of "safe" "unsafe". He was kind of in my space, and kept looking around. Yet.. he was the sweetest guy talking about the weather, the wind, etc. His clothes were torn and dirty. Crap....what is going on that I keep running into situations where I feel like I am being challenged in some way? I can't really even explain it. I so enjoyed visiting with him, but felt much relief when another car turned into the little alcove.

I was supposed to go to a conference today. Just didn't have the energy. Recognized, after 40 odd years, I still maintain so many masks, so many "fake" hellos, so much insecurity rattles around inside. This place I went seems to bring out more masks than usual. Am I so different from others or do I just articulate all this stuff and let it determine what I do and don't do? At any rate, I could not make myself be around people today. I looked after someone else's children for a bit of the day - and I love them - but was even glad when I dropped them off. Sigh........ I hate life right now.

Noticing so much pain around me these days. I hate it. I know there is so much good out there too, and hell, I know I have so much good in my life too. But the pain seems to override anything else.

My daughter had some friends over last night to drink before they went out... I monitored who was driving (they are all 20 years old and older), they assured me, I went downstairs. Today, I find out some things I was not thrilled about. I tried to explain to my daughter and it fell on deaf ears. "They weren't drunk mom"... Ya... so what... was my response. Anyway... why this comes up is ... my job is done as a parent in terms of influence. Now it's a matter of praying, offering advice (solicited or otherwise) and more praying. She is a wonderful girl, with very "party-minded" friends. I just had this panic that one of these days they are going to be in an accident - with the "noone was drunk" mentality. Then I think of all the "struggles" she has seen her mom in where I have been so inwardly focused, and I wonder if I left her to her own devices far too often. Crap... I repeat... I hate life right now...and as I write that I think of people fighting to live, entering hospitals with unknown diagnoses, people awaiting dangerous surgeries, and my little voice says "how dare you be so selfish as to hate life when so many other people are fighting to keep theirs?". To that, I say... I am sorry... and ... ya, I got nothing. It's where I am at.