Frick'

Ya - that's the lead-in for this blog... and there's not much else. What a day! I haven't been in the world's best mood today - melancholic, listening to 70's music - can anyone "help this girl". As I was sitting somewhat catatonic on the couch, I noticed a young couple across the street. The young woman was holding a little boy - I would say about 1 1/2 years old. At first I thought the man was just fooling around, tapping the woman on the arm and then the woman would go the other direction. After watching a few minutes longer I realized there was nothing fun going on. The man was trying to grab the little boy, she would whirl around, they would argue, he would hit her arm and she would start walking. He would start going the other direction, then go back to her and the scene repeated itself.

So - by the time it sank in what was going on I phoned a friend to ask if I should go out. The reason for the phone call is that I was scared of what the man would do. I know it makes sense I would be wary - but it has also disturbed me the entire night. Thankfully, before I got off the phone, he had started walking away and she was walking toward a building steps. I felt it would be safe to go over and see if she needed help. Another woman must have felt the same as she went over and sat beside her and the three of them got up and left. Thank goodness they were safe.

Afraid to help? Somehow it feels so wrong. It's not like he was firing a gun or had a weapon. Where do you draw a line for personal protection and helping someone in need? When I think of my days in the inner city I often went head-on into situations (likely stupidly in many instances) when someone was in trouble. How is it that fear has taken over my ability to offer help to another human being in trouble?

Needless to say, my mood has deteriorated, with my mind spiraling off into a milieu of directions, none particularly productive. Powerlessness... that's what I feel. Paralyzed to make a difference. A situation is put right in front of me and I opt out. How in the heck will I find a way to get to Africa to work alongside people there. Won't there be risks? Duh!!!! I have a burning desire to walk alongside hurting people... key words "walk alongside". I certainly am no better than anyone else, regardless of my race or religion, or mental state (questionable at best). I am simply blessed to live in North America. Today it feels like a curse. And... today I feel like a pansy-ass little white girl who can't risk to help. Shit... I know it sounds like "poor me". I so don't mean it to. I feel like my soul is stuck somewhere deep inside screaming to get out and get on with things... make a difference.... and it's not even that I have this grandiose dream - well the Africa dream is burned in pretty deep - but otherwise, I see myself talking, having coffee with people on the streets, stopping to give people an ear, a smile. Showing people they matter. Cause people matter. All people. I want to be in community with people period. Wow... lots of what "I" want hey. Crap... what does God want? Hey wait, I think I know the answer... He wants me to love. Love - that's it. Hm... some love I showed when I turned my head on the couple outside. I wonder how many other people I have inadvertently turned my back on as I have been in this cloud. My passions seem so deep inside me... stuck as I continue to work through my "emotional shit" that continues to come back around like a well-used boomerang. I am not diminishing emotional shit, nor am I really even diminishing my shit. This "stuck" stuff is so real it's like I am going crazy. Inside wants out, and outside won't budge. The energy this tension puts on me keeps me in my house, exhausted to get out and "be" in the world. This emotional stuff hurts to the point of physical pain. It becomes so big, so quickly and out of the blue. I hate it... ...that same stuck soul somehow knows, however, .. this too shall pass.

Yikes. Ha, my friend talks about me being able to express what's going on inside me. Ya - check this entry out baby. Not so much!