Letting Go - Again, and again, and again, and.......

There are certainly a million reasons I could list for going through the divorce I am going through. They are all real, they are all true, at least from my perspective, and I can say over and over again I gave it my best shot. I can put on a reasonably positive front about the whole thing and live life as if I have "dealt with it".

But one phone call about the divorce papers, a limited conversation, and I find I have not gotten very far with all of this. The hurt seeps in, insidiously, through my body until I ache so badly I can hardly breathe. Then the barrage of questions.... what could we have done? why doesn't he apologize for his part? why won't he hear when I say I'm sorry? how do two people just stop talking after years of being together? what do I do with all the pain inside from years of a damaged relationship and of lost hope?

The damage this marriage did to both of us is unbelievable. An outsider might look at me and say "ok - so it's the best thing for you both - put it behind you". Yes, I agree. And I disagree. Somehow, there is something spiritual about a marriage - good/bad/ugly marriage. That's not to say some marriages shouldn't end. I believe sometimes they have to. Yet, I somehow feel my very soul has been damaged by walking away from marriage. Not irreparable damage... just damage. It is a covenant. I have had to deal with the guilt that word has put on me when it has been used as a tool by people who have maintained we should not allow divorce to be an option. To that I say - divorce is better than death of one or both of the individuals. However, with a covenant being broken, so, too, does the soul crack a bit. I know this paragraph contains a multitude of contradictions. Hmmm... not surprising. It is a contradiction. The whole thing.... divorce is better than staying together in some instances and yet we have made a covenant between us and God and should(for lack of a better word) stay together........ All things are true. I believe that is why we can never, ever judge another person's marriage or their decision to stay or go.

So - here I am, at the end of this blog - realizing - no matter how unhealthy a relationship - there is still pain, grief and mourning. Hmm, I thought somehow I had done enough grieving. Joke's on me.

To those of you out there considering divorce.... consider carefully. It does have it's costs, no matter what you may think. However - please don't let anyone else lay on guilt about your decision. Believe me - you will have enough of your own. God is the only one we have to answer to. When I think about the words "God hates divorce" - I believe that with my whole heart. I know first-hand why he hates it. It's not a harsh, judging statement. It's another way He shows He loves us. He hates divorce because he knows how much it hurts his children. I also know he doesn't love me any less now that I am soon-to-be divorced. I can well imagine how sad he is as he watches me pick up the pieces and begin again. But begin again I will... little by little. The pain... well, it too, I pray, will go away little by little. Time... that's actually my most-hated 4-letter word.