Life, love and Friendships

It's been a long, cloudy.... well, suffice it to say seeing the sunshine over the past two days has drastically helped my outlook on life. I haven't counted the cloudy versus sunny says - but my disposition is usually a fairly good measure of these two ... and clouds win hands down. Like I said though... the sun is here.

Life cycles... I don't mean LIFE cycles... I mean life CYCLES. I read somewhere if we don't learn what we need to at any given time, it comes back time and time again until we learn to respond differently. Hmmm, can anyone say.. slow learner. Sheesh.

As anyone who knows me knows, I have been struggling with a marriage/separation/divorce for well - seems like forever to my friends I'm sure. Thought it was over and at the picking up pieces phase. Well, obviously I have not learned what I needed to learn. All of a sudden the emotions just take me over and I am lost again in a sea of thoughts, regrets, "what ifs", "loser" (me, not my ex-husband), and more emotions than I thought I could handle, yet again. It is a hard place to be, especially when I thought I was finished. Now I don't know if there is something profound I am to learn - or if I am simply human, feelings things that need to be felt at this place in time. The frustrating part to me is somehow I allow old patterns to creep in, - self-deprecating thoughts, seemingly unwarranted emotional "breakdowns"and the spiral continues downward. After extroverting with some very special people in my life, I realize - I allow what someone else says to determine my worth and well being. Aha... so I AM a slow learner as she has said that to me before.... It's true. After a short message left by someone who is out of my life, I crumbled. The wonderful thing about this time is - again - with my friend's help, I have gained the insight into this pattern and can now change my reaction. Ya - it's easy to say, easy to think, and takes a lot of work to "conquer". The patience my friends show through what would seem to some - inane and repetitive (hell - it seems that way to me) is phenomenal.

I have been blessed to have an amazing support group in my life. Some I have known for quite some time, others just a short time - yet it feels like years. Some I don't talk to with any frequency, and some I talk to every day. But each and every one of them, I know, without a doubt, would be there for me if I needed them in whatever capacity they could be. With this small group - not "small group", I am able to show my flaws, imperfections, strengths and weaknesses, and they help me see all my possibilities. I have been shown, through their love, that who I am is enough... with no expectations to be anyone else. Having a group of people love you, accept you and encourage you to look at all you are and all you can be... that is a gift I hope every one experiences in his/her lifetime.

Now - I am learning through these very unique friendships that I am not very good at accepting this love and support. It's a difficult thing. I found out this past week that some of my friends find it difficult, as well. Unconditional love... it's not just a theory - but it is scary. I have experienced it in the past little while - not just on the receiving end but on the giving end as well. (I'm sure I have encountered it many times over the years - I just wasn't paying attention to the gift.) There isn't anything I wouldn't do for a friend who needs me, I have experienced it to my core.. and, I can honestly say I have people in my life who have shown me that kind of love. On one hand it is a vulnerable place to be... (both giving and receiving) ...and yet on the other hand I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The beauty is, once my eyes dry and the puffiness goes down, the wine is gone, the chips and chocolate have disappeared, except the traces left on my face (and my hips) - my friend is still here.... still loving me, still showing me my beauty through all the shit.

To those of you in my life who walk alongside me through my "messes" - both little and big.... and those of you who allow me the privilege to walk alongside you through yours....thank you.