Institutions

Well, I have returned to the land of teaching. Wow... almost don't know where to start. What a shock. I felt completely overwhelmed when I started, and that has not abated. But, it's more than just getting back into the workforce. It's deeper than not really being qualified for the job - which the other resource teachers have been extremely grace-filled by assisting me when/how they can. The fact is... it's more than being in an institution. It's that... well... things seem so ridiculous to me. The children are oh so needy, yet, oh so disrespectful and full of defiance. The teachers are lovely and so overworked. The pace of life is so ridiculous, meetings set up every day of the week with a million other activities needed to be done. The stress of faces (yes, mine in the mirror frightens me). The scariest of all of this is... my brain does not want to work. It is like a plate of spaghetti and I don't know which piece to pick up first to access the knowledge I need. I do not know how to keep up with the pace (nor do I want to), yet I don't know how to separate from it.

Is there something wrong with me? I don't fit. I can't think like a teacher - and I mean that in so many ways...organization, linear thinking, planning,...I'm so out of touch with our system...and, maybe I don't even know how to teach...at least not in the way that schools need it.

Oh brother, I think it's starting again................the thoughts, the fears, the overwhelming feelings...and last, but not least...these poor kids... poor families....it's an unbelievable place... kids living with addicts, addicts trying to get their fix at all costs, housing crisis, families displaced, families in crisis.....it really is third world right here in Saskatoon... oh, but wait... we are the fastest growing city in Canada. And... we are building a riverside development... it's not that I am against that... but what are we doing about the poverty and absolute chaos in the inner city???? And... I have to admit... God is what is missing... ok, He's not missing, but people aren't relying on him. They have drugs, gangs, bingo, and whatever else helps them get through the day. Goodness knows we all realize how easy it is to make decisions without looking at God. And I am not relying on God. I don't even know what that looks like. Right now I am stuck in a position of resource teacher, when all I want to do is go to a kid, hug them and tell them I love them. Ya - not what I'm paid for. And... speaking of that... what am I paid for? I am not qualified to be resource, doing the "testing" of kids, etc. Heck, I don't even think I'm qualified to "teach" anymore. Ok - stopping... My ramblings aren't even making sense, which means I am really in a mess..... why, oh why can't I be normal, or at least be oblivious to things and not care......... powerlessness seems to be the place my thoughts take me to, and then I am paralyzed......................................
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Well, blogging has taken a backseat to... well... to self-preoccupation... oh wait, that's been perpetual.

To coin an overused phrase.. change is hard.... actually "to coin a phrase" is overused as well.

My August has been a shit show. An internal, spilling into the external (God bless my extroversion) world shit show. I have started to blog several times in the past little while simply to get things out in black and white to help me see where my thoughts have been/are going. Ya... not an easy map to follow.

Not going to even try to rehash the month. Where am I now? Going back to work in a week.. terrified.... to the point of frozen in my boots, can't think straight, ... which then tends to put me back into old patterns of doing and thinking. Which is never, ever a good thing.

The patterns.... hating myself, feeling rejected by the people who say they love me, not understanding God - ok, not that I can understand God... not knowing how to "follow" him, and, although while I'm in it, it is not something I recognize... feeling sorry for myself. The hating myself is deep... and I am not making excuses, but it is deep deep deep. A choice some might say. I agree, yet, it is almost a part of me that needs to be amputated, buried... or as Rob Bell suggested "taken out back and shot" (ok, not his exact words). This hating myself is the axis on which all else spins... it perpetuates self-obsession and perfection... it's the filter on which I observe and perceive all actions, it makes everything then revolve around me, because, of course, if I was a better person, so and so would call me or "what have I done" that makes that person not care how I'm doing. Or... "they know I'm struggling, why are they not bothering to be in touch". In print, this looks absolutely childish and ridiculous and a simple "grow up" is what's required. Inside, however, it is not this simple. It is the constant struggle to achieve... in most cases... earn other people's acceptance, which equals achievement, and their acceptance of me comes in the form of expectations I put on what is and isn't acceptance of me. And in reality, because the filter in essence blocks the truth of my core, there can't be any acceptance of me. Gosh, I hope that people have given up reading this, because, this is ridiculously convoluted. Aha... it's at least authentic then.

Ok - so as I slog through the process of healing...ah, yes, healing.... I am seeking truth. Truth about me, truth about others... in actuality the "truth"... God's truth. God's truth is all that is required. However, I have lived my life with "my" truth. My formed beliefs about what is truth, and all other truths come and go in my head/heart. The TRUTH, I know, is somewhere deep in my soul. I feel it, I know - when my heart aches for the trouble others endure; when I weep, as I have just recently, for the poor choices and consequences of others, which causes them so much pain (I can relate to this so much on a personal level it makes me ache so deep as I know how much this is hurting them), for the judgment they will endure from those who have not walked in their shoes; when I sit on the phone and listen to a friend who is having a difficult day and I feel so helpless; when I laugh with a friend at a good joke, or a shared fun experience. These moments I know are not of the me I have created, but the person God created and continues to create.

However... I all to easily slip back into the "noone loves me" and how could they cause I suck. It's so messy, this healing. It's so "old". I am sick of it. "So do something about it" one might say. Ya, why the hell didn't I think of that. I am... slowly, ever so slowly. This is about actually re-wiring everything I know to be true about me (or I thought I knew). It's erasing all of the "don't be stupid", "don't even try", "don't fail", "you are stupid", "what a klutz", "you're crazy, you're nuts", "quit crying", "quit being so sensitive", "everyone else can do it, why can't you", "be careful... don't make a mistake", "what will people think", "you're so fat", "you talk too much", "you think too much", "you worry too much", "you're such a perfectionist", "don't make trouble", "don't tell people your opionion, they won't like you", "money makes you happy".... I could go on, but... the point is, a lot of those words spoken were from other people in my life as I grew up, and a lot were from me, learned as well as I grew up. It's time, I realize to let these words die, to let the "realities" they created die with the words. I also grew up with a reality that the only time I was shown any kind of "attention" - whatever it may have been (and this is not a blame on my family. They did the best they could at the time ... I believe that. It just isn't what I needed for my healthy development) - was when I was in crisis or sick or unable to "take care of myself". I believe I am still working hard to get out of that. The thing is... and this is simply my perception.. we as a culture really only respond to people when they are in crisis... we are so busy so much of the time that we have a hard time connecting with the people in our lives when we are "healthy".... I am noticing ... confession time here... I tend to keep my "trauma" going longer in the hopes my friends will spend time with me. Sick, I know. I am not proud of this, but it is something I need to confess in order to heal. It's not as conscious as it appears when I write it.

So here goes.... my apologies to those of you out there who are reading this that have gotten sick of what may appear my "feel sorry for myself" mode. For all of my "traumas" or my "can't handle it" scenarios. It has not been something I was aware of - despite how intuitive I may be. It's habits, patterns and a way of being that keeps resurfacing when I'm lonely, tired or my depression surfaces (which it usually does when my old patterns kick in... vicious cycle).

Ok... I need to stop... There's so much more I need to say, and perhaps will in another blog... at another time....

I am trying to keep close to my heart the truth that Jesus keeps calling me to return to my true self the pure, whole person God originally intended me to be before I veered off course. And we ALL veer off course from time to time. We all hurt each other, make poor choices, continue to make poor choices, hurt others, ............ but, we all, can return to the original path... it's a choice daily, and wholly crap.... it takes patience, faith, courage and trust in God to keep wandering back onto the original path. It also takes love, and forgiveness of those that walk the path with us. We need each other, in all our brokenness... no one is perfect... (which does not mean we all just get to keep on hurting each other without thought - that is not what I am saying... we do have to choose daily to follow Jesus' lead). Crap, it's confusing and I could start off on another tangent, because, I know from my choices I have hurt people deeply, and, as a follower of Christ I need to be accountable for those choices now because I know "better"... human, yes... mistakes, inevitable.... oh brother.... don't know where this is going so I'm just gonna go.........

Mountain Woman

So - it's been a long time since I have written on this thing. A lot has happened... too much to try to write about just now. But, surprise, I have something on my mind I need to write out to see if I can make any sense of it.

I was at Jasper National Park with a friend for 4 days. It was amazing. I absolutely love being in the mountains. I somehow feel dwarfed and "giant" all rolled up in one. God is never more real to me than when I am in the mountains.

Here's the thing. I become someone who can't get enough "experiences" in the mountains. I want to hike and look and hike and smell and keep looking for animals, flowers, etc. I am not normally a sensing person, but when I get in the mountains it's like I want to take it all in and keep adding to it. It's as if I have to experience all the experiences to make it real. That is so not who I am in the regular, every day part of my life. In my life I am content to read about it, philosophies, and be content with the ideas. Somehow, though, being in the mountains I want to take in all the experiences I can. It's not a bad thing. Experiencing is good. The bad part, is when my experiencing interferes with the life of the inhabitants of the park.

This came to me as my friend and I were walking one night and we wanted to go further on the path only to find out the path was closed because the female elk were calving in the area. Right away I wanted to go and "check things out". I didn't really want to interfere, just "look". How dare I. We didn't go off the path, and the funny thing was - go figure - the elk can't read and a couple of females and a baby happened to "cross the line" and end up close to our cabins. I have been bugged by my reaction to go and see.

I think where my head is going is... we as humans seem to think we own the earth and everything in it. Now I know God gave human dominion over land and animals. Hmmm... so why is it that the grizzly bear is on the endangered list???? It's from people like me who want to "check them out"... "experience seeing a bear"... and, what happens is the bears become used to humans, try to get food - cause gee, that's basically what they are all about - and, surprise, they become so accustomed to humans that they make themselves a nuisance, perhaps attacking and then being shot because they are a threat. Seems to me we have become more of a threat than they could ever be. We are visiting their habitat and think we have the right to do whatever the hell we want. I don't have the answers, but I do know that I have an arrogant attitude like so many other people who visit the parks.

Another problem is the hiking trails. We use the trails but think nothing of walking off the path that has been allocated, only to trample precious wildlife in the process. We disrupt the ecosystem of the area by assuming we can go wherever we want. I am not some environmental fool, but I am seeing I contribute to the problem we have in the areas that are deemed "wilderness". We treat the areas like they are ours. Seems everything humans tough we destroy. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but... if I - who care wholeheartedly about wildlife, the environment and taking care of it, as well as someone who has spent a lot of time in the wilderness (albeit, somewhat hesitantly in bear country) - am seeing how I contribute to the demise of the areas by occasionally stepping off the path, trying to "hunt out" wildlife, carrying an attitude of I deserve to see wildlife...what about all the people who come into the wilderness and take advantage of the wonderful "tourist" attractions.

The Maligne lake tour boat now takes many more tourists across to spirit island because it is a great commerce generating experience for the tour companies. Why would the Alberta government allow this. As it is, this is one of the most highly populated areas for grizzly bears. Now there will be more and more boats going through the lake later in the day, infringing on the grizzly feeding times. They, then will be searching for other feeding places, perhaps wandering into areas occupied by humans.

I guess this is really a rant to myself, reminding me that I can only change myself, and I need to be aware of my curiosity, at the expense of interfering with wildlife and their way of life. A canoe paddling through the lake would not disrupt the bears... a boat full of tourists... another problem.

Crap... this issue is something I need to seriously ponder cause I know I want to blame "others"... but, I'm as guilty as can be. And... I think... for a lot of people, this whole "tourist" thing comes down to dollars and cents. Which is why they are tearing down my favorite cabins, which have nothing but a bed, fireplace, icebox, oven and shower... for the new and improved all-inclusive resort........ ahhhh... do we all have the right to "enjoy" nature without the responsibility that comes from helping to preserve it? I'm not saying everyone who goes into the parks is a careless, idiot. I am saying we have to stop and think about what and why we go and visit these areas.

Hmmm.. I think I better step off the soapbox and return to looking inward to find some answers to all of the questions/thoughts/.... ok, rants... above.

Life

Mmmmk... I seem to be in a consistent "downer" these days. I'm trying to be "ok" with the space I am in.

I dropped off some paper/milk jugs at the recycle depot and there was a man there sifting through the containers, although, when I showed up, he stopped. Then he offered to help hold up the lid of a bin for me, and offered to come get things out of my car. I had these mixed feelings again of "safe" "unsafe". He was kind of in my space, and kept looking around. Yet.. he was the sweetest guy talking about the weather, the wind, etc. His clothes were torn and dirty. Crap....what is going on that I keep running into situations where I feel like I am being challenged in some way? I can't really even explain it. I so enjoyed visiting with him, but felt much relief when another car turned into the little alcove.

I was supposed to go to a conference today. Just didn't have the energy. Recognized, after 40 odd years, I still maintain so many masks, so many "fake" hellos, so much insecurity rattles around inside. This place I went seems to bring out more masks than usual. Am I so different from others or do I just articulate all this stuff and let it determine what I do and don't do? At any rate, I could not make myself be around people today. I looked after someone else's children for a bit of the day - and I love them - but was even glad when I dropped them off. Sigh........ I hate life right now.

Noticing so much pain around me these days. I hate it. I know there is so much good out there too, and hell, I know I have so much good in my life too. But the pain seems to override anything else.

My daughter had some friends over last night to drink before they went out... I monitored who was driving (they are all 20 years old and older), they assured me, I went downstairs. Today, I find out some things I was not thrilled about. I tried to explain to my daughter and it fell on deaf ears. "They weren't drunk mom"... Ya... so what... was my response. Anyway... why this comes up is ... my job is done as a parent in terms of influence. Now it's a matter of praying, offering advice (solicited or otherwise) and more praying. She is a wonderful girl, with very "party-minded" friends. I just had this panic that one of these days they are going to be in an accident - with the "noone was drunk" mentality. Then I think of all the "struggles" she has seen her mom in where I have been so inwardly focused, and I wonder if I left her to her own devices far too often. Crap... I repeat... I hate life right now...and as I write that I think of people fighting to live, entering hospitals with unknown diagnoses, people awaiting dangerous surgeries, and my little voice says "how dare you be so selfish as to hate life when so many other people are fighting to keep theirs?". To that, I say... I am sorry... and ... ya, I got nothing. It's where I am at.

Letting Go - Again, and again, and again, and.......

There are certainly a million reasons I could list for going through the divorce I am going through. They are all real, they are all true, at least from my perspective, and I can say over and over again I gave it my best shot. I can put on a reasonably positive front about the whole thing and live life as if I have "dealt with it".

But one phone call about the divorce papers, a limited conversation, and I find I have not gotten very far with all of this. The hurt seeps in, insidiously, through my body until I ache so badly I can hardly breathe. Then the barrage of questions.... what could we have done? why doesn't he apologize for his part? why won't he hear when I say I'm sorry? how do two people just stop talking after years of being together? what do I do with all the pain inside from years of a damaged relationship and of lost hope?

The damage this marriage did to both of us is unbelievable. An outsider might look at me and say "ok - so it's the best thing for you both - put it behind you". Yes, I agree. And I disagree. Somehow, there is something spiritual about a marriage - good/bad/ugly marriage. That's not to say some marriages shouldn't end. I believe sometimes they have to. Yet, I somehow feel my very soul has been damaged by walking away from marriage. Not irreparable damage... just damage. It is a covenant. I have had to deal with the guilt that word has put on me when it has been used as a tool by people who have maintained we should not allow divorce to be an option. To that I say - divorce is better than death of one or both of the individuals. However, with a covenant being broken, so, too, does the soul crack a bit. I know this paragraph contains a multitude of contradictions. Hmmm... not surprising. It is a contradiction. The whole thing.... divorce is better than staying together in some instances and yet we have made a covenant between us and God and should(for lack of a better word) stay together........ All things are true. I believe that is why we can never, ever judge another person's marriage or their decision to stay or go.

So - here I am, at the end of this blog - realizing - no matter how unhealthy a relationship - there is still pain, grief and mourning. Hmm, I thought somehow I had done enough grieving. Joke's on me.

To those of you out there considering divorce.... consider carefully. It does have it's costs, no matter what you may think. However - please don't let anyone else lay on guilt about your decision. Believe me - you will have enough of your own. God is the only one we have to answer to. When I think about the words "God hates divorce" - I believe that with my whole heart. I know first-hand why he hates it. It's not a harsh, judging statement. It's another way He shows He loves us. He hates divorce because he knows how much it hurts his children. I also know he doesn't love me any less now that I am soon-to-be divorced. I can well imagine how sad he is as he watches me pick up the pieces and begin again. But begin again I will... little by little. The pain... well, it too, I pray, will go away little by little. Time... that's actually my most-hated 4-letter word.

Frick'

Ya - that's the lead-in for this blog... and there's not much else. What a day! I haven't been in the world's best mood today - melancholic, listening to 70's music - can anyone "help this girl". As I was sitting somewhat catatonic on the couch, I noticed a young couple across the street. The young woman was holding a little boy - I would say about 1 1/2 years old. At first I thought the man was just fooling around, tapping the woman on the arm and then the woman would go the other direction. After watching a few minutes longer I realized there was nothing fun going on. The man was trying to grab the little boy, she would whirl around, they would argue, he would hit her arm and she would start walking. He would start going the other direction, then go back to her and the scene repeated itself.

So - by the time it sank in what was going on I phoned a friend to ask if I should go out. The reason for the phone call is that I was scared of what the man would do. I know it makes sense I would be wary - but it has also disturbed me the entire night. Thankfully, before I got off the phone, he had started walking away and she was walking toward a building steps. I felt it would be safe to go over and see if she needed help. Another woman must have felt the same as she went over and sat beside her and the three of them got up and left. Thank goodness they were safe.

Afraid to help? Somehow it feels so wrong. It's not like he was firing a gun or had a weapon. Where do you draw a line for personal protection and helping someone in need? When I think of my days in the inner city I often went head-on into situations (likely stupidly in many instances) when someone was in trouble. How is it that fear has taken over my ability to offer help to another human being in trouble?

Needless to say, my mood has deteriorated, with my mind spiraling off into a milieu of directions, none particularly productive. Powerlessness... that's what I feel. Paralyzed to make a difference. A situation is put right in front of me and I opt out. How in the heck will I find a way to get to Africa to work alongside people there. Won't there be risks? Duh!!!! I have a burning desire to walk alongside hurting people... key words "walk alongside". I certainly am no better than anyone else, regardless of my race or religion, or mental state (questionable at best). I am simply blessed to live in North America. Today it feels like a curse. And... today I feel like a pansy-ass little white girl who can't risk to help. Shit... I know it sounds like "poor me". I so don't mean it to. I feel like my soul is stuck somewhere deep inside screaming to get out and get on with things... make a difference.... and it's not even that I have this grandiose dream - well the Africa dream is burned in pretty deep - but otherwise, I see myself talking, having coffee with people on the streets, stopping to give people an ear, a smile. Showing people they matter. Cause people matter. All people. I want to be in community with people period. Wow... lots of what "I" want hey. Crap... what does God want? Hey wait, I think I know the answer... He wants me to love. Love - that's it. Hm... some love I showed when I turned my head on the couple outside. I wonder how many other people I have inadvertently turned my back on as I have been in this cloud. My passions seem so deep inside me... stuck as I continue to work through my "emotional shit" that continues to come back around like a well-used boomerang. I am not diminishing emotional shit, nor am I really even diminishing my shit. This "stuck" stuff is so real it's like I am going crazy. Inside wants out, and outside won't budge. The energy this tension puts on me keeps me in my house, exhausted to get out and "be" in the world. This emotional stuff hurts to the point of physical pain. It becomes so big, so quickly and out of the blue. I hate it... ...that same stuck soul somehow knows, however, .. this too shall pass.

Yikes. Ha, my friend talks about me being able to express what's going on inside me. Ya - check this entry out baby. Not so much!

Life, love and Friendships

It's been a long, cloudy.... well, suffice it to say seeing the sunshine over the past two days has drastically helped my outlook on life. I haven't counted the cloudy versus sunny says - but my disposition is usually a fairly good measure of these two ... and clouds win hands down. Like I said though... the sun is here.

Life cycles... I don't mean LIFE cycles... I mean life CYCLES. I read somewhere if we don't learn what we need to at any given time, it comes back time and time again until we learn to respond differently. Hmmm, can anyone say.. slow learner. Sheesh.

As anyone who knows me knows, I have been struggling with a marriage/separation/divorce for well - seems like forever to my friends I'm sure. Thought it was over and at the picking up pieces phase. Well, obviously I have not learned what I needed to learn. All of a sudden the emotions just take me over and I am lost again in a sea of thoughts, regrets, "what ifs", "loser" (me, not my ex-husband), and more emotions than I thought I could handle, yet again. It is a hard place to be, especially when I thought I was finished. Now I don't know if there is something profound I am to learn - or if I am simply human, feelings things that need to be felt at this place in time. The frustrating part to me is somehow I allow old patterns to creep in, - self-deprecating thoughts, seemingly unwarranted emotional "breakdowns"and the spiral continues downward. After extroverting with some very special people in my life, I realize - I allow what someone else says to determine my worth and well being. Aha... so I AM a slow learner as she has said that to me before.... It's true. After a short message left by someone who is out of my life, I crumbled. The wonderful thing about this time is - again - with my friend's help, I have gained the insight into this pattern and can now change my reaction. Ya - it's easy to say, easy to think, and takes a lot of work to "conquer". The patience my friends show through what would seem to some - inane and repetitive (hell - it seems that way to me) is phenomenal.

I have been blessed to have an amazing support group in my life. Some I have known for quite some time, others just a short time - yet it feels like years. Some I don't talk to with any frequency, and some I talk to every day. But each and every one of them, I know, without a doubt, would be there for me if I needed them in whatever capacity they could be. With this small group - not "small group", I am able to show my flaws, imperfections, strengths and weaknesses, and they help me see all my possibilities. I have been shown, through their love, that who I am is enough... with no expectations to be anyone else. Having a group of people love you, accept you and encourage you to look at all you are and all you can be... that is a gift I hope every one experiences in his/her lifetime.

Now - I am learning through these very unique friendships that I am not very good at accepting this love and support. It's a difficult thing. I found out this past week that some of my friends find it difficult, as well. Unconditional love... it's not just a theory - but it is scary. I have experienced it in the past little while - not just on the receiving end but on the giving end as well. (I'm sure I have encountered it many times over the years - I just wasn't paying attention to the gift.) There isn't anything I wouldn't do for a friend who needs me, I have experienced it to my core.. and, I can honestly say I have people in my life who have shown me that kind of love. On one hand it is a vulnerable place to be... (both giving and receiving) ...and yet on the other hand I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The beauty is, once my eyes dry and the puffiness goes down, the wine is gone, the chips and chocolate have disappeared, except the traces left on my face (and my hips) - my friend is still here.... still loving me, still showing me my beauty through all the shit.

To those of you in my life who walk alongside me through my "messes" - both little and big.... and those of you who allow me the privilege to walk alongside you through yours....thank you.