Personality Deficiency

So - as I sit here trying to plan a getaway, I am struck by how much my life just "happens" to me rather than me "making it happen". Now - I think it's because for a few years I made some pretty hasty decisions that cost me a lot, so now I sit frozen. Not just frozen on big decisions, but even the little ones like where can I take my kids.

Now - it's hard to write this and not think "quit feeling sorry for yourself - just make a decision". Hmmm, it's sounds so good in theory. Somehow, it isn't just about feeling sorry for myself... it's about understanding myself (lifelong, eeeennnnddddlllleeeessss journey)

Currently I am grappling with going back to teaching or not next year. I have been on sick leave for almost two years. Healthy now?... hmmm... hard to tell - not sure what the hell that means.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Teaching. I really don't like it. In fact, I lose sleep much of the school year as I can never seem to get caught up. I am not an institution fan - know they exist, know there are good things about them, know I don't want to work in one. Kids - like them. Teaching - not so much. Seems cut and dry hey. Don't go back. Hmm... supporting myself kinda comes into play. At what point does a person have to just "suck it up" and take the job that's there. Anybody who knows me knows this is a train I have been on for years. Now my "paid" counselor seems to commend me for continuing to stay on the train until I get to the stop where I need to get off, and that may take a few round trips. Not so sure... although, I suppose lessons are to be learned/unlearned after 46 years on the planet.

"Trust in the Lord.... He will direct your path"... ya, but I don't believe He puts me on it. I don't believe he has a flashing arrow that says "This way Kelly"... but... I think I am learning for me, this trust is about trusting my "gut" when I sense that the classroom in my school division is not the place for me. Instead of me analyzing how I can change to fit, or how I can suck it up, or how I can learn/unlearn things to make it work... how about I trust the fact I have been sick 3 times in 10 years. I could go on and on thinking I need to "change"... and I'm not saying I don't have to change things about me, nor am I saying I will be ecstatic in a job ... but.... I also need to embrace who I am as a human, ask for God to guide me and make my decisions from there. Not from what the people around me say, not from the voices in my head from the past saying" you are a good teacher - you just need to get a tougher skin, don't quit your job, you are a failure if you walk away, quit running away, change who you are and it will be better, just "do it" "...It's ok if I don't listen to those voices any more. I can keep gaining wisdom from God on what to change and what to keep.

Ok, so, I believe that fear of the unknown is what is keeping me from moving on. Moving away from teaching means I'll be moving toward something else. I don't know what that is at this point in time and it scares me to death. But I do know this is precisely when I need to trust God. I'm not there right at this moment... working at it....have brief times of peace. He is not some genie in a bottle that comes around when I need a solution... at least not to me. He is with me all the time, holding me up when I can't seem to hold myself up - and most days I believe that :) (about now I hear "A-men Sista" in my head). Anyway... my spiritual stuff is not something I want/need or even can write about at this time, but the more I am in counseling and reading and sitting and practicing what I read and hear, the more I realize I need to heal all aspects of me - mind/spirit/body. For too long I have been valuing only my intellect. In fact, I have had a sense of pride about how "intellectual" I am... ya, it's done me a lot of good to date. Have been on a nice trip... almost to the loony bin. Nope... my brain is only part... now I need to keep practicing using all of me to get healthy. Aha.... and that, is the end of this little diatribe....or not quite...

... I know in this life I want to make a difference in the world. I am so frickin' blessed in my life, and I am sick of sitting around this house with depression - not to say it isn't real... but....on my healthy days I need to get out and be in community. We have so many hurting people here in Saskatoon. What do people need? Not what can I give them... what do they need? How do I find out? Who can I walk alongside? The job thing will work itself out if I "let go"... "trust"... mmmmk, those easy to spell, tough to do things... but really people... it's not all about Me... look at how many "I's" are in this blog. Sick really...gotta change that

Reality check... won't end up on the street... or might... can't know that today.