Well, blogging has taken a backseat to... well... to self-preoccupation... oh wait, that's been perpetual.

To coin an overused phrase.. change is hard.... actually "to coin a phrase" is overused as well.

My August has been a shit show. An internal, spilling into the external (God bless my extroversion) world shit show. I have started to blog several times in the past little while simply to get things out in black and white to help me see where my thoughts have been/are going. Ya... not an easy map to follow.

Not going to even try to rehash the month. Where am I now? Going back to work in a week.. terrified.... to the point of frozen in my boots, can't think straight, ... which then tends to put me back into old patterns of doing and thinking. Which is never, ever a good thing.

The patterns.... hating myself, feeling rejected by the people who say they love me, not understanding God - ok, not that I can understand God... not knowing how to "follow" him, and, although while I'm in it, it is not something I recognize... feeling sorry for myself. The hating myself is deep... and I am not making excuses, but it is deep deep deep. A choice some might say. I agree, yet, it is almost a part of me that needs to be amputated, buried... or as Rob Bell suggested "taken out back and shot" (ok, not his exact words). This hating myself is the axis on which all else spins... it perpetuates self-obsession and perfection... it's the filter on which I observe and perceive all actions, it makes everything then revolve around me, because, of course, if I was a better person, so and so would call me or "what have I done" that makes that person not care how I'm doing. Or... "they know I'm struggling, why are they not bothering to be in touch". In print, this looks absolutely childish and ridiculous and a simple "grow up" is what's required. Inside, however, it is not this simple. It is the constant struggle to achieve... in most cases... earn other people's acceptance, which equals achievement, and their acceptance of me comes in the form of expectations I put on what is and isn't acceptance of me. And in reality, because the filter in essence blocks the truth of my core, there can't be any acceptance of me. Gosh, I hope that people have given up reading this, because, this is ridiculously convoluted. Aha... it's at least authentic then.

Ok - so as I slog through the process of healing...ah, yes, healing.... I am seeking truth. Truth about me, truth about others... in actuality the "truth"... God's truth. God's truth is all that is required. However, I have lived my life with "my" truth. My formed beliefs about what is truth, and all other truths come and go in my head/heart. The TRUTH, I know, is somewhere deep in my soul. I feel it, I know - when my heart aches for the trouble others endure; when I weep, as I have just recently, for the poor choices and consequences of others, which causes them so much pain (I can relate to this so much on a personal level it makes me ache so deep as I know how much this is hurting them), for the judgment they will endure from those who have not walked in their shoes; when I sit on the phone and listen to a friend who is having a difficult day and I feel so helpless; when I laugh with a friend at a good joke, or a shared fun experience. These moments I know are not of the me I have created, but the person God created and continues to create.

However... I all to easily slip back into the "noone loves me" and how could they cause I suck. It's so messy, this healing. It's so "old". I am sick of it. "So do something about it" one might say. Ya, why the hell didn't I think of that. I am... slowly, ever so slowly. This is about actually re-wiring everything I know to be true about me (or I thought I knew). It's erasing all of the "don't be stupid", "don't even try", "don't fail", "you are stupid", "what a klutz", "you're crazy, you're nuts", "quit crying", "quit being so sensitive", "everyone else can do it, why can't you", "be careful... don't make a mistake", "what will people think", "you're so fat", "you talk too much", "you think too much", "you worry too much", "you're such a perfectionist", "don't make trouble", "don't tell people your opionion, they won't like you", "money makes you happy".... I could go on, but... the point is, a lot of those words spoken were from other people in my life as I grew up, and a lot were from me, learned as well as I grew up. It's time, I realize to let these words die, to let the "realities" they created die with the words. I also grew up with a reality that the only time I was shown any kind of "attention" - whatever it may have been (and this is not a blame on my family. They did the best they could at the time ... I believe that. It just isn't what I needed for my healthy development) - was when I was in crisis or sick or unable to "take care of myself". I believe I am still working hard to get out of that. The thing is... and this is simply my perception.. we as a culture really only respond to people when they are in crisis... we are so busy so much of the time that we have a hard time connecting with the people in our lives when we are "healthy".... I am noticing ... confession time here... I tend to keep my "trauma" going longer in the hopes my friends will spend time with me. Sick, I know. I am not proud of this, but it is something I need to confess in order to heal. It's not as conscious as it appears when I write it.

So here goes.... my apologies to those of you out there who are reading this that have gotten sick of what may appear my "feel sorry for myself" mode. For all of my "traumas" or my "can't handle it" scenarios. It has not been something I was aware of - despite how intuitive I may be. It's habits, patterns and a way of being that keeps resurfacing when I'm lonely, tired or my depression surfaces (which it usually does when my old patterns kick in... vicious cycle).

Ok... I need to stop... There's so much more I need to say, and perhaps will in another blog... at another time....

I am trying to keep close to my heart the truth that Jesus keeps calling me to return to my true self the pure, whole person God originally intended me to be before I veered off course. And we ALL veer off course from time to time. We all hurt each other, make poor choices, continue to make poor choices, hurt others, ............ but, we all, can return to the original path... it's a choice daily, and wholly crap.... it takes patience, faith, courage and trust in God to keep wandering back onto the original path. It also takes love, and forgiveness of those that walk the path with us. We need each other, in all our brokenness... no one is perfect... (which does not mean we all just get to keep on hurting each other without thought - that is not what I am saying... we do have to choose daily to follow Jesus' lead). Crap, it's confusing and I could start off on another tangent, because, I know from my choices I have hurt people deeply, and, as a follower of Christ I need to be accountable for those choices now because I know "better"... human, yes... mistakes, inevitable.... oh brother.... don't know where this is going so I'm just gonna go.........