Well, I have returned to the land of teaching. Wow... almost don't know where to start. What a shock. I felt completely overwhelmed when I started, and that has not abated. But, it's more than just getting back into the workforce. It's deeper than not really being qualified for the job - which the other resource teachers have been extremely grace-filled by assisting me when/how they can. The fact is... it's more than being in an institution. It's that... well... things seem so ridiculous to me. The children are oh so needy, yet, oh so disrespectful and full of defiance. The teachers are lovely and so overworked. The pace of life is so ridiculous, meetings set up every day of the week with a million other activities needed to be done. The stress of faces (yes, mine in the mirror frightens me). The scariest of all of this is... my brain does not want to work. It is like a plate of spaghetti and I don't know which piece to pick up first to access the knowledge I need. I do not know how to keep up with the pace (nor do I want to), yet I don't know how to separate from it.
Is there something wrong with me? I don't fit. I can't think like a teacher - and I mean that in so many ways...organization, linear thinking, planning,...I'm so out of touch with our system...and, maybe I don't even know how to teach...at least not in the way that schools need it.
Oh brother, I think it's starting again................the thoughts, the fears, the overwhelming feelings...and last, but not least...these poor kids... poor families....it's an unbelievable place... kids living with addicts, addicts trying to get their fix at all costs, housing crisis, families displaced, families in crisis.....it really is third world right here in Saskatoon... oh, but wait... we are the fastest growing city in Canada. And... we are building a riverside development... it's not that I am against that... but what are we doing about the poverty and absolute chaos in the inner city???? And... I have to admit... God is what is missing... ok, He's not missing, but people aren't relying on him. They have drugs, gangs, bingo, and whatever else helps them get through the day. Goodness knows we all realize how easy it is to make decisions without looking at God. And I am not relying on God. I don't even know what that looks like. Right now I am stuck in a position of resource teacher, when all I want to do is go to a kid, hug them and tell them I love them. Ya - not what I'm paid for. And... speaking of that... what am I paid for? I am not qualified to be resource, doing the "testing" of kids, etc. Heck, I don't even think I'm qualified to "teach" anymore. Ok - stopping... My ramblings aren't even making sense, which means I am really in a mess..... why, oh why can't I be normal, or at least be oblivious to things and not care......... powerlessness seems to be the place my thoughts take me to, and then I am paralyzed......................................
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......................................................... sinking fast..........
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