My Own Personal Hypocrisy

I love Christmas.... really love it - or so I thought. When I look inside, I find it's the "idea" of Christmas I love. It's not that I don't enjoy buying gifts for family and friends - it's so much fun - and listening to Christmas music (albeit "the most wonderful time of the year" is making me sick this year), and baking and being blessed to be able to spend time with family and friends. And, in a warped way, being blessed to be sick right now so I don't have the mixed pressure of working, shopping, attending Christmas parties (ha, how things have changed - I used to feel so left out when I didn't get invited - now I'm thankful). Quiet times with close friends... that's my gift this year.

But... somehow this year I am sad inside. I notice all the stressed faces trying to buy just the "right" gift, people who can't afford gifts going into debt to get the gifts for their family that "everyone else" has, people on the fringes - ( which covers so many more people that I think we realize) feeling even more isolated this time of year because the theme is "family and friends - wonderful time, blah, blah) , the fighting over being politically correct when it comes to religious rituals/celebrations and not offending any one group of people during this time of year... Kwaanza, Hanukkah, Christmas - celebrate it all. Are we becoming a nation where people cannot celebrate their own traditions? and yet... does everything have to become an issue of separating rather than embracing each other's differences. Ok, so I am such an idealist. I couldn't even keep peace and acceptance in a marriage little own figure the "world" out.

I just have this heavy heart right now and I feel I am living a life of hypocrisy. While I don't think there is anything wrong with buying Christmas gifts for your friends and family as a way of showing you love them. For me, it's a matter of - what am I doing to make a difference in the lives of people who live alone - truly alone, isolated, trying to survive in the cycle of poverty, shunned by the mainstream population, yet trying desperately to "fit in" - which often means acquiring things. And this season of "giving" so accentuates what the "have nots" don't have. Hell, I buy into the "things make me happy" trap so often it would make your head spin.

I am/have lived with depression for years. Yet, I know that even in my darkest times, I have people who love me. I can't say I have always "felt" that.... but I know it to be true. What I also know to be true is that there are thousands of people in this city who don't have enough to eat, who don't have anyone to talk to, who battle depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, poverty, etc. Here I sit in my house with presents under the Christmas tree, a fridge full of food, and a healthy family and most of all many wonderful friends to keep me alive (literally).. I am extremely lucky. But, on the flip side of that, I also am wallowing these days about how much I hate the world. Not just the people in this city who hurt - but the magnitude of suffering and pain around the world which seems so overwhelming.

So - the heavy heart remains. I seem paralyzed and want to make a difference. When I worked in the inner city I was too busy trying to "save" my unhealthy marriage to really embrace the opportunity I had to touch kids/families in a tangible way. I know I did to some extent - but I was not intentional with what I did. I "did my job". Now, as I am getting myself to a "healthy" state (what that means I don't know at this point), I want to go back to work in a place where I can reach out to the "fringes". It's funny - I feel like I am a "fringe" person in many ways - yet I continue to get sucked into a set of values and beliefs that our culture perpetuates. Things, success, money, big house, skinny body (boy am I on the fringes with that one :), beautiful face - give you value. In and of themselves, none of those things are "bad" or wrong. But for me, I don't want to fall into a trap of trying to acquire all of it because I would fall into the trap of equating my worth to accumulating status in whatever form it comes in. I have to be so careful, because like I said, it's not like I am judging people who have things, money, etc. It's a personal thing for me.

This is where the rubber hits the road.... ok Kel, sell your stuff and your house (oh ya, I don't own a house - easy decision there!), and move downtown to actually live among the people you have a heart for. Whoa.... then I think... well, I have my daughter lving with me and she wouldn't move so I'd be on my own - and while I know in my soul it's not like there are monsters in the inner city, but reality tells me the drug problems, etc. would make me a bit vulnerable as a single woman living there. See - hypocrisy abounds. What to do with it...I don't know. I wish I had another person I could "do" some things with.... support in numbers I suppose. Anyone want to move into the inner city with me?? And... is that the answer? If not, how do I live in the culture and not become like the culture and make a difference? A real difference. Not just dropping money into a Salvation Army container when I pass (again, not saying it doesn't make a difference). Aaarrrggghhhhh.....

Happy, happy blog today. It's a good thing I usually am the only one who reads it. To anyone who might stumble onto it... my apologies. Just my random thoughts on a down day.