Mistakes

I wonder if when you make a mistake that is huge if you ever let yourself to move on. People say... oh, it's over, you're forgiven, blah, blah. That is true. However, when the mistake is so glaringly obvious, and your gut has told you over and over it was a "mistake" yet you didn't listen - how do you learn to trust your gut.... your intuition... whatever you want to call it? No one can predict the future, no one as of yet has the capability to say how a life would have been had things been different - and I know it is ridiculous to spend energy on the "what ifs". The thing is.... at the end of the day, when I sit here with yet another divorce paper in my hand, all the hurts that happened to get here seem so cruel. I don't mean my hurts - I mean everyone I hurt "out there".

Truth is, I feel ... well... like my insides have been taken apart, shaken around and then tried to crawl back inside, but no such luck. All the cliches... "even murderers get parole", "you have to forgive yourself", "you can't go there", "God loves you just the same as he ever has"... without trying to be a victim I say to those statements.... DUH....

Did I try hard enough? Did I only try to keep it together to give that part of my life legitimacy? if so.... jokes on me hey? Thing is, it's like there is no way out... no way out of my life I constructed over a mistake I tried to undo by making a series of them, over and over and over again until it was difficult to see truth from "doing the right thing"... which can be the same, but the "doing the right thing" can be deceiving if you are listening to a million different voices.

The fighting over money, the "legalities" of the whole thing...marriage gets reduced to a piece of paper one way or another if that's all it's meant in the first place.

Bottom line for me today is I feel lost.... I feel empty, sad, regretful, remorseful and completely overwhelmed with a sense of loss and failure....