Changes

I am sitting here thinking of the old line "life is about change"... my response today is SO?

When in the midst of a life change - a big one, how is that cliche helpful? I just want to say DUH. I know that people connected want so desperately to help that "they" don't know what to say. I have to keep that in mind and extend grace.

So - I have made a decision with regard to my work life. I think. No... I have. I think... Yes, dammit I have. Anyone who knows me knows the eternal struggle I have had with my professional life. The problem with me (if it is in fact a problem - or if it just "is"), is I cannot or do not separate work/home/church/bar/movie, etc. I struggle being the appropriate person in all of the situations. I am who I am (and I'm not Sam) This leads to some major struggles in my work environment, as I am a square peg trying so hard to fit into a round hole, then beating myself up because I am not round, then getting angry at the people who want me to be round, then... well, then I am where I am. At home contemplating a career change.

People in my work world commend me on my ability to do my job. I see that I am great when I am in the trenches doing what I do best... relating to kids. Ok, so I don't always see it, as I am so aware of how I am so darn different from those around me. Somewhere I learned different is bad - especially if the different you are goes against most of what your employer is expecting. I am, however, not at my best when I leave that room and am treated much like the children I just left (which, by the way are preschool special needs children!)

So - as I continue to write, I sense that I am terribly muddled in all of this. Iin reality, there is no blame and I am wanting to blame... it is usually me I blame, although I am getting good at blaming the "system". Now, in essence we all are responsible for where I am. But - gee, I wonder if the system would consider altering some of it's beliefs if I altered mine?????? Skewed thinking is not pretty.

I now need to abandon this blog and go walk. In essence, right now I need to give all of this muddle over to God. I have people in my life who just don't understand this God stuff. Well, neither do I, but obviously, I am not doing a great job of figuring this out on my own. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am - both the good and the bad - but I know, for today anyway, that God is all I've got when the rubber hits the road. I have been on leave 2 times in 4 years. That says there is something not clicking. Whatever the clickless is - change is imminent. And God is the only one who can support me - and lead me where I need to go. Ha, sounds like a load of Christian doubletalk. The kind I hate. But - it's resonating as truth to me right now. What choices do I have? I obviously don't know what to do on my own. I have a faith in something/someone much bigger than I, so.... giving it up to Him is what I need to do in order to have some semblance of sanity.

I have put so much importance on my "job" that I have absolutely no perspective at this moment. I don't even like being in a classroom - there, I said it out loud (ok, in print!) I feel confined, opressed, depressed, restricted, controlled, limited, and like I want to scream. I hate the bells, I feel like I am making robots out of kids, and at the end of the day I am zapped of any energy I had to begin with. Does that mean I'm not a good teacher.... I guess I don't know the answer. Does that mean the system is bad? I can't be the judge.

Ok - running in circles in my head. Gotta go. I love this blog thing... write out into oblivion....